'How counselling helped me after my father died from coronavirus鈥�
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Steve Mitchell lost his father just 45 minutes after hearing he was very unwell.

Raymond鈥檚 death of suspected Covid-19 in April left Steve with the sense of a lack of control over how he felt.

His grief over his father鈥檚 death was further complicated by the fact that every day he faced a daily onslaught of news stories about the pandemic.

It was connected to something that was affecting millions of people鈥檚 lives across the world.

And it happened just a year after Steve鈥檚 mum Angela had also died.

Speaking to a bereavement counsellor has helped Steve in many ways 鈥� and given him a time and a place where he can focus on his relationship with parents and his own self-care.

鈥淭here have been some real breakthrough moments in counselling that have come out of natural conversation,鈥� said Steve.

鈥淎s I go on this journey, I鈥檝e learnt that it鈥檚 not about solving or resolving.

鈥淕rief isn鈥檛 linear. 听This process isn鈥檛 about somehow just 鈥榝eeling better鈥�.

鈥淚鈥檓 not going to get back to the person I was before. But I know how to be better to the person I am now.

More in control of how I feel

He added: 鈥淚鈥檓 more in control of how I feel, what I feel, what I share and what I do.

鈥淚t鈥檚 put my mum and dad at the centre. It鈥檚 given me permission to look after myself.鈥�

Raymond鈥檚 death, at the age of 86, happened six weeks after Steve had last seen him at the care home in Leeds where the pensioner lived because of dementia.

Two days after that visit, the home closed the unit to visitors because of the onset of the coronavirus pandemic.

Steve said: 鈥淒ad鈥檚 death was really fast. It was just unbelievable the rate at which everything had happened.

鈥淥n the afternoon of April 20, I got a call from one of my sisters that she鈥檇 been alerted by the care home that dad was very ill, and they weren鈥檛 going to move him to hospital.

鈥淲ithin 45 minutes of that call dad had died.

鈥淢y first emotion was just raw anger. 听I thought dad had been let down by everyone.

鈥淚t was around the time of the peak in cases, about Easter time. The daily numbers were just horrific.

鈥淎fter dad鈥檚 death I had a difficult relationship with the care home. That 鈥� coupled with the daily briefings and everything else that was happening at the time 鈥� made it very, very hard. 听

鈥淚t was something that was permanently there, because the entire country, the entire world, was being affected by the pandemic.鈥�

Steve explained that his father has pneumonia and not Covid-19 listed on his death certificate.

But he said a clinician he spoke to on the phone just minutes before his father passed away, told him his dad had the symptoms of the virus.

As a trustee of , based in Risley, Derbyshire, Steve knew they offered grief counselling.

The hospice is one of 麻豆原创鈥檚 organisational members and offers one-to-one sessions, online or face-to-face with its team of highly qualified bereavement counsellors to people living听in the Derby and South Derbyshire area.

He lives within the catchment area for the service they offer, and so signed up. After a few weeks on the waiting list he had an assessment and then his first online counselling session via Zoom.

Helped me readjust

鈥淎t the very first session speaking to my therapist, she almost liberated me from some of what I was feeling. She helped me readjust,鈥� said Steve.

鈥淪he encouraged me to make sure dad was at the centre of what I felt. That helped me enormously. It helped me focus on what was truly important to me, amidst the wider anger I felt about what was taking place.鈥�

For Steve, the counselling also made him realise that much of what he felt wasn鈥檛 just about his dad鈥檚 death, but also his mum Angela鈥檚 death a year before.

鈥淚t helped me realise that what I was feeling was absolutely locked into losing mum as well.

鈥淲e were there with mum right at the end, and with dad we didn鈥檛 have a chance to be anywhere near him.

鈥淭his wasn鈥檛 about two separate things. Knowing that has helped legitimise how I feel.鈥�

He added that one of the biggest breakthroughs for him in counselling was understanding the relationship he still has with his parents.

鈥淐ounselling helped me to recognise that I have developed a different relationship with my parents now. The moment I realised that was a real epiphany.

鈥淢y dad is with me now, but just in a different way. I don鈥檛 just stop being a son.鈥�

He says counselling has also taught him more about his own self-care.

Permission to look after yourself

鈥淚t gives you permission to look after yourself, to say no to things, to put your arms around yourself.

鈥溾�橸ou have to fit your own oxygen mask before other people鈥檚鈥�, is a phrase my counsellor has used.

鈥淚t鈥檚 helped hearing that from someone else, it鈥檚 sunk in.鈥�

His counsellor has also helped him with mindfulness, posture, body-scanning and breathing techniques.

Steve added: 鈥淚鈥檝e got this very structured time and space which has become like the core focus of my week - to the point that I look forward to it.

鈥淏efore, I felt my feelings didn鈥檛 have a home. They were all over the place. I鈥檝e taken back ownership of how I feel.

鈥淚鈥檝e got that space and time that I can focus on being a son of mum and dad.

鈥淚t鈥檚 not just about that counselling session, it has an impact on how I am over the entire week.鈥�

He added that being able to speak openly to a trained professional, outside of his own circle of friends and family was important.

Needed a professional

鈥淚 talk to my wife about everything. I鈥檝e got close friends. But I needed someone who was outside all of that. I needed a professional.

鈥淚 instantly formed a good relationship with my counsellor.

鈥淭he dynamic of the world we鈥檙e in right now means these things have to happen in a different way. But talking via Zoom works.

鈥淭here鈥檚 a great sense of connection so I can pick up the conversation really easily a week on because of where we left it before.

鈥淧reviously I had no experience of or thoughts about bereavement counselling. But for me, it鈥檚 been nothing but positive. It can be hard work, and of course it鈥檚 a deeply emotional experience, but I look forward to each session, knowing how much it鈥檚 helping me.鈥�

To find a bereavement counsellor visit our听Therapist Directory.